I Couldn’t Reach My Son. The Old Me Would’ve Shut Down, Now My Nervous System Knows What to Do

How I stayed present through uncertainty and powerlessness, and how you can too, without reliving your trauma.

When Spain Went Dark

At exactly 12:30pm on Monday 28th April, the electricity in my village in southern Spain vanished.

No warning.
No WiFi.
No landline signal.
No mobile signal.
No clue what was going on.

It wasn’t just local, it was national.
Then we heard it was international.
All of Spain. Parts of Portugal. Parts of France.
The only source of information? My neighbour’s car radio, calmly announcing:
“Estado de emergencia nacional.”
A national emergency.

And there I was.
Stuck in an eerily quiet house, the freezer humming its last, my phone a sleek useless brick, with absolutely no way to contact my son, who was flying in the next day to visit me for the first time in nearly eight years.

The Kind of Calm That Doesn’t Feel Calm

Now, I’d like to tell you I floated through it like a Zen monk.
That I lit a candle, rolled out my yoga mat, and welcomed the mystery of it all with open arms.

But the truth?

❌ I stood in front of the freezer, contemplating its contents and wondering whether we could convert the pizza oven into some kind of emergency smoker. (Is smoked chicken even a thing?)
❌ I kept glancing at my lifeless phone, knowing I couldn’t check my son in for his flight, because the booking was on my app, and worrying about how he’d manage without my details.
❌ I wondered if Málaga Airport even had power, if flights were still going, and what on earth was actually happening.

And still.

✅ I didn’t shut down.
✅ I didn’t flip into a frenzy of busyness to distract myself.
✅ I didn’t disappear from myself, going numb, like I used to.

How I Used to Cope, and Why It Worked (Until It Didn’t)

When I was a child, living through incest, in a house where nowhere was safe, I learned the art of disappearing.

I didn’t scream.
I didn’t fight.
I left my body.

I smiled.
I pleased.
I functioned.
I was a ‘good’ girl.
I did what was needed to survive.
And inside, I wasn’t there.

That wasn’t a flaw.
It was brilliance.
It was my nervous system doing exactly what it had to do to keep me safe.

The problem is, our nervous systems don’t update just because we grow up.

Even now, as an adult with options, skills, and support my body will still sometimes default to those old patterns.
Because it was wired to believe that disappearing equals survival.

This Time, I Didn’t Leave Myself

Even in the thick of it, the silence, the fear, the absolute not-knowing, I stayed.

I felt the tightness in my chest, and I stayed.

I wanted to distract myself, fix something, over-plan, but I didn’t.

I breathed.
I drank water.
I moved slowly.
I let the emotions rise, and fall.
And I stayed.

Not because I’m “better.”
But because I’ve been building nervous system safety for years now, and this was the moment it clicked into place.

Ok full transparency, it wasn’t just water, I maybe did have a beer or two as the night progressed and the blackout continued :)

Safety Is Not the Outcome; It’s the Practice

We think healing is about doing enough therapy, reading enough books, repeating enough affirmations.

But if your body still feels under threat?
None of that lands.

You don’t need more mindset work.
You need felt safety.
The kind your body believes, not just your brain.

You can’t think your way out of a survival response.
You have to teach your body how to feel safe again.

And Then The Moment Came

At 2:30 am, I got one bar of mobile signal.
A brief flicker.
Enough to see my son’s message.
He was okay. His flight was still scheduled.

And at 4am, the power came back.

The house breathed. I breathed.

And at 5.55pm on Tuesday, right on time, I watched him walk through those arrival gates.

After eight years of hoping, aching, holding space, he wrapped me in a hug. And I was fully there for it.

No masking.
No numbing.
No mental to-do list running in the background.

Just presence.
Just love.
Just this soft, exquisite moment, finally received.

If You’ve Ever Disappeared Under Pressure, This Is for You

You’re not too much.
You’re not failing.
You’re not beyond repair.

You’ve just been carrying more than your body was ever meant to hold on its own.
And your nervous system has been working overtime to protect you.

But now?
You get to offer it something different.
Not more pressure, more presence.
Not perfection, more safety.

One breath at a time.
One soft return to yourself.

You get to teach it something new.
Not through effort or force, but through gentleness.

One pause.
One breath.
One tiny shift at a time.

And this is what it comes down to:
Not doing it perfectly. Not fixing everything. Not being endlessly calm.

But staying.
With yourself.
In the moments that used to take you out.

Every time you pause instead of push, every time you feel instead of flee, every time you stay present through something that once made you disappear.

That’s healing.

Not all at once.
But gently.
Quietly.
In the most life-changing of ways.

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Want to Know What Pattern Your Body’s Still Holding?

💛 The Clear, Calm & Confident Quiz is a beautiful, pressure-free place to begin.
It’ll help you name the survival response that’s been driving you — and how to meet it with compassion.

You don’t have to go back into the story to feel different in your body.
You just need a way to come home to yourself.

The quiz will show you how.